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Masturbation: a little self loving goes a long way
How and why women should paddle their own boats
Why is it that many women expect their first lover to teach them how to orgasm, without having a clue as to what this entails? It has to be one of the greatest mysteries of modern life that as intelligent, educated and self-aware as today’s women are, probably the majority still place this responsibility in the hands of a lover who is most likely just as much of a novice, and yet still expect an apocalyptic explosion in bed.
Treat it like your career
Consider the preparation that people put into their careers – 12 years of schooling followed by three or more years of higher education, before making a tentative leap into a promising career. Yet when it comes to sex, most women simply leap off the cliff.
As teenagers, we are led to expect a lifetime of passionate, mind-blowing sex with a wonderful partner in adulthood, but we invest very little time in learning about our bodies and what moves us sexually. |
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Passive approach
What’s more, many women take a passive approach to sex and make their pleasure the responsibility of their partner. This makes as much sense as asking a car mechanic to salvage your computer after a hard-drive crash. In the great sex stakes, our partners may be equally clueless about how our bodies work – and what’s more, each of us is unique in our response to sexual stimuli.
As a case in point, how many men know the following?
- Most women are unable to orgasm solely from penetrative sex. Research shows that 70-80% of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris to climax.
- Women need on average 20 minutes of foreplay before they can orgasm.
- If a woman doesn’t receive enough foreplay she won’t produce enough lubrication, which means her vagina will receive tiny tears from penetration, making her more susceptible to infections such as HIV.
And how many guys follow the basic etiquette of bringing their woman to orgasm first before they focus on their own pleasure, because it often takes a guy only a few minutes of intercourse to orgasm? More importantly, how many women feel confident and knowledgeable enough about their bodies to point this out (tactfully, of course) to their partner?
Dull and routine sex, anyone?
We all want great sex with window-shattering orgasms yet if we don’t know how our bodies work sexually, we won’t be able to coax our partners to tip us over the edge to nirvana. And if we don’t open up and experiment to find out what stimulation our bodies respond to, we are probably condemning ourselves (and our partners) to a lifetime of mediocre, dull sex. |
Photo: Iryna Stevens / Creative Commons
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Women can sit back and wait for their partners to light their fireworks or take the initiative and work out what makes their body bits sizzle in sex. To become an expert in the boudoir, you don’t have to know everything – you just have to know how to find out.
It starts with a bit of self knowledge from self loving, also known as masturbation or paddling your own boat. This is how most guys know how to work themselves into an orgasmic frenzy long before they foray into intercourse à deux. |
Self knowledge is power
Give yourself permission to get to know your body. Masturbation is, quite simply, a necessary self-learning curve. Here’s how:
- Make some ‘me’ time – blow your friends and family off for a few hours, take the phone off the hook and set the mood with soft lighting, relaxing music, a glass of wine, your hottest lingerie and thigh-high boots, or soak in a bubble bath. Whatever gets you feeling sexy.
- Your mind is your biggest sex organ – indulge it. Conjure up your favourite fantasy, dip into a book of erotic stories, phone your lover and describe what you’re doing, watch those sex scenes in your favourite movie or surf online…you get the picture. And if you don’t yet know what gets your pulse racing, explore until you find out.
- Take a mirror and watch yourself as you explore your body. The female form is beautiful and each of us is unique – including our genitals. Take a really good look and appreciate the view. After all, that’s what your partner is seeing and loving.
- Play around with different types of stimulation, concentrating on your clitoris while touching your breasts, inner thighs, outer and inner labia, vagina and anal bud.
- Use your fingers, fist, or a handy object (cylindrical vegetables, kitchen implements and hair brushes are common favourites) cleaned with antibacterial soap or to ensure good hygiene, pop a lubricated condom on.
- A vibrator is one way that many women learn to bring themselves to orgasm quickly – and it doesn’t have to be big or resemble a penis. Most find that a pointed, powerful vibe on their clitoris takes them to “oh-my-gosh” ecstasy in a matter of minutes.
- Lubricant is a great addition to any lovemaking, preferably water based and glycerin free. Or invest in a stimulating lubricant like Astroglide warming lube, which causes a warm sensation and arouses the genitals, making you feel very sexy.
- When you’re ready, communicate with your partner about what turns you on, and be open to exploring new sensations and techniques together to create an intimately loving, trusting relationship.
There are a myriad ways to self pleasure and on your path you’ll probably invent some new ones. There’s no right or wrong way. Rest assured, your neighbourhood sisters are probably also trying some of the things you’re thinking up – but they won’t know what’s behind your smile this morning!
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Toys we recommend for self exploration |
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RO-80m vibrator
An award-winning, quality and affordable vibe - powerful and perfect for clitoral stimulation. Easy to keep clean and to carry.
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Stubby dual vibrator
The curved head is perfect for G-spot massaging and the lower nub for clitoral stimulation. Offers mild to strong vibration.
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The art of a seductive striptease: how to do it like a professional
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Masturbation: why a little self loving goes a long way
"Tell me I've been a bad boy...!" How to ask for the sex you want
Anal play: why is it a growing trend and how to go about it safely
Female orgasm: all about the clitoris, the G-spot and female ejaculation
The clitoris: where to find it, how it works, how to stimulate it
The G-spot: how to find it, how to stimulate it
Female ejaculation: what it is and how and why it occurs
Erection problems: why impotence occurs and what to do
The secret to stronger orgasms: Kegel exercises for him and her!
Lubrication enhances pleasure: why you should use it - and lots of it
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