When they progress to intercourse with a partner, they may need to learn to slow the journey from arousal to orgasm in order to last longer and so be able to pleasure their partner for longer.
Is premature ejaculation a heterosexual 'problem'?
It is interesting to note that gay men seldom report that they suffer from premature ejaculation, which raises the question – when a man says he orgasms too quickly, how long is 'too quick' as opposed to 'long enough', and who feels it is a problem? The issue here is who decides if his ejaculation is premature? If it is a female partner who would like him to last longer, one of the obvious solutions is to bring her to orgasm first.
If she orgasms first, is the problem solved?
Among heterosexual couples, there is a belief that sex equals penetrative intercourse. However, there are lots of ways to have sex and to reach an orgasm or three without penetrative sex. Nor is there any real rule as to how long a guy should last for before ejaculating – it’s all about how and what couples do together to both enjoy satisfying sex.
Because men tend to reach an orgasm far more quickly and easily than women, the trick is to get the woman to climax first. Foreplay isn't really the 'starter' course before the 'main' course – for women, it is the main course. Both partners need to focus on stimulating her body until she climaxes. For most women this means stimulating the clitoris through oral sex, manual sex using hands or other objects such as sex toys, or simultaneous clitoral and G-spot stimulation with fingers or a curved vibrator. Women need to encourage their male partners to give them the right kind of stimulation they need to climax – and if they don’t know what this entails, they should go on a mission to find out. Masturbation is the least pressured and best way for such self discovery.
If the woman climaxes first, most of the problem is removed. Then it doesn’t matter if the guy ejaculates really quickly, because she’s already sexually satisfied. That said, most women (and men) love the sensation of penetrative intercourse, and some women can orgasm during penetration if they’ve already had an orgasm. But before you reach for medication to delay ejaculation, read on.
Pharmaceuticals may add to the condition
As adults, many guys seek medical help for this ‘condition’, the treatment of choice typically being pharmaceuticals. Some of the popular products contain a mild anaesthetic to reduce sensation in the head of the penis, and therefore slow down the progress to orgasm.
Photo: MaxNegro / Flickr
However, these products may also reduce sensation for the partner as bodily fluids co-mingle in sex, which seems in itself self-defeating. If you would like to be able to last longer in penetrative intercourse, a more effective approach would be to learn a technique or two to delay orgasm.
Techniques to delay ejaculation
A great technique is to learn to identify when you are about to orgasm, and then quickly take steps to stop it, before resuming stimulation. The best approach is to learn this during masturbation, initially without added stimulation such as lubrication. For instance, while masturbating when you realize you are about to orgasm, stop moving or touching yourself and wait for the sensation to subside. Once the feeling has gone, start up again and as you feel orgasm approaching, stop all stimulation once more.
Alternatively, just before you orgasm, place your hand around your penis just below the head and squeeze for a few seconds until the feeling passes, then resume stimulation.
The stop-start method can be highly effective and can help you learn to delay orgasm for a length of time. Then when you do finally proceed to orgasm, it may be particularly pleasurable.
Once you’ve got the hang of this, repeat the exercise using lubrication. When you’ve successfully mastered the technique using lube but on your own, then attempt it with your partner on top while you keep still and next, attempt it when you are on top and moving. By progressing to greater and greater stimulation, you are learning increasing self control.
Photo: Dunikowski / Flickr
Some other tips to try
If you find that seeing your partner naked gets you so excited that you ejaculate quickly, one trick is to try masturbating just before sex with your partner – this might take the edge off your excitement and allow you to last longer.
Another handy technique is to gently tug your balls down when you feel them rising up into your body, which typically happens just before a guy orgasms. Or grab just below the head of your penis with your thumb and forefinger and squeeze gently until the feeling of an impending orgasm subsides.
Also try the technique of getting to the brink of ejaculation and then letting go and relaxing your muscles. You won’t stop the orgasm but it will be less intense than usual and the good news is you’re unlikely to ejaculate or lose your erection – which means you’ll immediately be ready for another round with your partner. This is a fantastic way to teach yourself to have multiple orgasms.
Another good delay tactic is to squeeze your PC muscle to stop ejaculation, which is a handy process if you want to learn to have multiple orgasms. See our article on Kegel exercises to learn how to go about this.
Alternatively, if everything is over too quickly for your partner’s liking, try to make a joke of it and offer to continue pleasuring her until she orgasms, and until you are ready for another round.
As long as you don’t leave her high and dry and ensure that she also enjoys a satisfying climax or two, it’s unlikely to be an issue for her. Afterwards, you can practise the techniques above so that you learn to slow down your response permanently during intercourse.
Slowing down with age
As guys get older, many find that the speed at which they ejaculate declines. Instead of being as goal orientated as in their younger days, they learn instead to focus on giving pleasure, rather than quickly reaching an orgasm. This is one reason why sex improves over the years for many heterosexual couples.
Sources of information:
Supersex - Tracey Cox
The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex – Cathy Winks and Anne Semans
The Big Bang: Nerve’s Guide to the New Sexual Universe – the writers at Nerve