Your questions answered

Photo: rocketjim54 / flickr

Q How do you know that you are having an orgasm? What does it feel like? How long does it last?

A We have written a number of articles about orgasms, what they feel like and how to have them. You can read about them here.
The muscle contractions in an orgasm are powerful and unmistakable, so if you’re not sure if you’ve had one it suggests you may not have yet. We’d suggest that you try self-exploration, which is a great way to work out how to bring yourself to orgasm with no pressure or time constraints. Take a look at the masturbation techniques we suggest.
On the subject of how your partner can help you to orgasm, see our article on oral sex for tips and techniques.
Exploring your orgasm potential is a wonderful, empowering pursuit. We also encourage you to invest in some good sex books, quality lubricants and a powerful clitoral vibrator (a popular one is the RO-80mm vibe) or dual vibe like the globally popular rabbit vibrator or new generation rabbit to help you in your research.
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Is it normal to be wet before sex?

Q I'm married and I love making love to my husband. My question is, is it natural to get wet before you even have sex?  I'm aroused even at the thought of him touching me or whilst he is in the process of it.

A Yes, it’s perfectly normal. When a woman is aroused her vagina produces lubrication and expands outwards and upwards in preparation for penetrative intercourse. The lubrication prevents friction ‘burn’ from his thrusting, which is what would happen if you produced no lubrication. Without lubrication, the inner walls of the vagina experience tiny tears from his thrusting, which makes a woman more vulnerable to infection.
As our hormones change with circumstances such as pregnancy, breastfeeding, menopause and ageing, our natural lubrication levels fluctuate and we may need added lubrication to keep things smooth and slippery during these periods. Water-based lubricants are best as the vagina self cleans and these are easiest for the body to eradicate. Another wonderful product is a warming gel, which is very arousing for women especially as it produces a deliciously hot sensation where it touches, and it remains smooth and silky with use. The warming sensation is also felt by your partner so it's stimulating for both of you.
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My wife doesn't want sex anymore...

Q Thank you for all this good information. I have been married for 20 years this year and my sex life is falling apart. For the past few years my wife has avoided any sexual contact. I will be lucky if it happens eight times a year but it's like, 'okay, get on top and do your thing,' and into the shower she goes. Foreplay is out of the question these days.
During our courting days its was everything from foreplay to oral and different positions. Sex was fantastic for both of us and it used to happen about eight to ten times a week. After marriage things started to change with how often we made love. From there on things just went dead. She used to have moments where making love used to last for a period of time, then there was no sex for a long time. In the past few years it has got even worse. Whenever I speak about our situation she gets upset. I asked if it was menopause, as she is 45 years old. I feel that these days we don’t make love - she just has sex to please me. I try my best using what I read but there is no response from her. I even went as far as asking her if there was someone else and whether she still enjoys making love. Well, there's no one else. She will not let me in the shower with her nor will she dress in front of me. And no, she has not put on weight - her body is the same as the first time I saw her.
Is it normal for women to change their attitude as time goes on in a marriage? If I try to book for the two of us to go away, she just says no. Our kids are grown up and yes, we can go away for that special weekend. Please give me some advice to spice up this relationship.

A No, it isn’t the norm for people to lose interest in sex just because they’ve been married for years. This does often happen to couples but there are many avenues to sorting the problem out, like dealing with relationship issues if these are the cause, and becoming more adventurous in the bedroom if things have become monotonous.
We suggest that you consider seeing a professional counsellor to find out what the underlying issues are and to work on your relationship together as a couple. There are trained professionals who are best placed to assist with this. You may also want to consult a sex therapist to discuss specific sexual matters – to find one in your area, see our article Where to get help
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He can't climax since heart surgery - how can I help?

Q: I am 43 and my boyfriend of 12 years is 57. He has had two heart attacks and is sometimes very sick due to the medication. He is also moody due to the fact that after he had two stents inserted and angioplasty he has not been able to climax. I feel so bad for him as his self esteem is affected. I also feel as though my muscles are not tight enough. Is it normal at that age to not climax? He says he is satisfied as long as I am but I don’t believe him. What can I do to please him?

A Your partner should talk about this matter to the medical practitioner who decides on his medication. Different medications have different side effects, and it may simply be a case of changing his medication to find one that doesn’t have this side effect. Many people are too embarrassed to discuss such an intimate matter with their doctors, which is unfortunate because sex is such a great pleasure in our lives and a problem such as this can often be sorted out quickly and easily with the aid of a doctor. They are used to handling this kind of medical issue – consider what gynaecologists have to deal with when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth! So you should encourage him to bite the bullet and approach his doctor.
If you are concerned about how toned your vaginal muscles are, it’s always a good idea – for men and women alike – to do Kegel exercises each day to maintain sexual fitness. This will improve the strength of your orgasms as well, so there are added benefits.
It’s the head of the penis that is the most sensitive and stimulation of this usually leads to orgasm. If he is currently unable to orgasm from penetrative intercourse, try different positions to find some that narrow your vaginal canal and offer greater friction, like keeping your legs together or crossing your ankles. Alternatively, try bringing him to climax with oral stimulation or using your hands. You may find that smooth, silky lubricants such as Manslide or Sylk help with this as they provide great lubrication without congealing (some lubes like KY Jelly congeal easily, which reduces friction and typically causes men to take longer to climax). You could also try a warming lubricant that has an arousing effect, such as Jo H2O, which helps with excitement levels.  
We’d like to encourage you to explore the wealth of sex information available, be it books, instructional DVDs or sexual health web sites. The more information you are armed with, the more opportunities you have to resolve this. And you may even find that your sex life expands tenfold as you explore techniques together to find out what works for both of you. Your man is lucky to have such a caring partner in you – well done for taking the initiative to help him and improve your sex life.
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How can my man stimulate my G-spot?

Q Can you please give me tips on how my boyfriend can find my G-spot with his fingers and his tongue? And how can I have an orgasm during intercourse?

A We have written a number of articles on the female orgasm and how to have one, and more specifically, on how to stimulate a woman’s clitoris and G-spot to orgasm. You’ll find loads of tips there for both of you.  

There are many ways that you can have an orgasm through intercourse and it really depends on you – some women can orgasm just through fantasizing! It’s really a case of exploring and finding out what works for you. For instance, some women enjoy spending a lot of time on foreplay until they are very close to orgasm and then penetrative intercourse gets them to climax. For many, it is vital to keep stimulating the clitoris during penetrative intercourse – and the combination of the two results in a powerful orgasm. For others, stimulation of the G-spot either by his penis (certain positions enable angled, shallow penetration to stimulate the spot) or a vibrator worn during penetrative intercourse (the We-Vibe is award-winning as it vibrates against the clitoris and G-spot and can be worn while you make love - it is small enough to allow simultaneous penetration by the penis) does the trick.
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How do I avoid ingrown hairs from a Brazillian wax?

Q Last year I had a hysterectomy and therefore had my first ‘Hollywood’. What an amazing feeling! I never went back to au naturel. However, I battle with ingrown hairs and I am starting to get small pimple-like lumps in that area, which is totally off-putting. My beauty therapist told me to gently brush the area (exfoliate) weekly, but that does not seem to help much. Can you give me some advice?

A An ingrown hair is when both ends of the hair follicle are trapped under the skin, where it continues to grow into a bump resembling a pimple and often becomes infected. This may happen when the hair breaks off instead of being removed completely. It is usually caused by shaving (especially pressing too tightly on the skin for a closer shave) or waxing.
What you can do: to prevent ingrown hairs, it is recommended that you gently exfoliate the pubic area before waxing, as well as regularly after waxing (wait 24-48 hours afterwards). Keep your skin moisturised and keep the pores clean to remove any bacteria (which can cause infection). Leaving a hot facecloth over the area may also help.
When waxing, rub in the direction of the hair growth when applying the cotton strip to the wax to avoid breaking any hairs. Hold the skin taut, then pull the cotton strip back – but not up or out – in one quick, smooth motion. Avoid a series of light tugs, which might leave broken hairs behind. Don’t wear tight clothing afterwards as your skin will be highly sensitive and any friction may damage the hair follicles.
If you get an ingrown hair, remove it with a sterilised pin or tweezers: puncture the skin and pull the hair out through the puncture hole. Then shave or pluck it. You could try an acne cream containing salicylic acid, a dermatological chemical that aids the removal of ingrown hair follicles by exfoliating and mosturising the skin. It cleans out the pores and helps prevent infection. Oatmeal-based powders are also good for soothing the skin after waxing.
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Do ARVs lower libido?

Q I am on ARVs and ever since I started therapy I have experienced a low sex drive. I also do not experience orgasms during sex as before. Is it possible that the treatment is causing this? I am not depressed because I have accepted my HIV status and I function very well in all other spheres of my life except sexually. Even when I masturbate, it now takes me longer to come and sometimes I do not come at all. As a result, I dread having sex and this is affecting my partner because he is very sexual. I have discussed this with my doctor but he said it would pass; it is more than three years now and the situation is still the same.

A The shock of an HIV diagnosis would negatively affect most people’s libido, but it sounds like you have adjusted well. The range of HIV medication you are taking may well lower your sex drive. Many people on ARVs have also reported that this has led to a change in their sexual feelings. However, there is apparently no clear evidence it is caused by the medication.
In general, medication can have negative side affects on all three stages of sexual performance – sexual desire (libido), arousal (lubrication and vaginal swelling in women, erections in men) and orgasm.
Your doctor should do a thorough assessment that includes discussing any history of sexual problems and conducting a careful physical examination (especially of the vascular system as sexual dysfunction can be caused by poor blood flow to the genitals). Together, you need to pinpoint exactly in which stages you are not functioning properly, then review all your medications and their potential to affect sexual functioning. If any medication may be contributing, ask your doctor to substitute it for another. You also need to have both your ‘total’ and ‘free’ testosterone levels tested and if low, you may want to try a testosterone patch.
There are steps you can take right now to improve your body’s sexual functioning: stop smoking, cut back on alcohol, cut out coffee, eat a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol, eat high fibre foods (vegetables, grains, fruits, nuts and seeds) and get cardiovascular exercise (aerobic and weight training at least 3 times a week). This will improve blood flow to the genitals. Finally, the brain is our biggest sex organ, so you might also want to consider psychotherapy for psychological support. ______________________________________________________________

Healing marriage after a separation

Q I need advice on how to keep my husband happy. We separated for a few months after we had our first child and things have not been the same. I want this marriage to work with all heart.

A It sounds like what you need is relationship counselling. We suggest you contact a professional organisation such as Famsa or The Family Life Centre for counselling as a couple. Both of them have branches in Johannesburg. If your husband won't go with you, it would still be worth your while to seek counselling for yourself. ______________________________________________________________

Is it safe to meet this stranger for no-strings sex?

Q I have a high sex drive and have been on my own since my divorce some years ago. I need to feel a man’s hands on my body but don’t want a relationship. I have been chatting to a guy via internet dating and am so sexually turned on by him. He also wants no strings. I need advice on the best way to ensure my safety. I agreed to meet him but I will arrange the location. I have a friend that will know exactly where I am and will be checking in with me. Condoms are agreed on. Any other tips to ensure my safety? I really want to do this but don’t want to end up in a body bag.

A Our advice is simple – don’t do it. It’s just not worth the risk. Rapists and serial killers are often charming or unassuming ‘nice guys’. The rule when meeting your date for the first time is to meet in a public place and don’t end up anywhere alone with him. Your safety is worth investing the time and effort in getting to know him first, before you both agree to a no-strings relationship. There are two other options if you are in a hurry – stick to someone you already know well or invest in a vibrator. Or both.
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Am I a sex freak?!

Q I’ve met this amazing guy and I feel bad because I’m scared he might think I’m like a sex freak. I feel bad to ask this question but how do I approach this matter? I’ve just come out of a seven-year marriage and this guy turns my world upside down. The problem is, whenever I’m with him I constantly want to make love. I constantly want to touch him, feel him, and I’m scared that he’s not used to this, that this will eventually separate us.

A It sounds like you need to sit down with him and tell him what you feel, and ask him how he feels in response. If you think you might be risking your relationship by your feelings and behaviour in sex, then you’ve got nothing to lose by being open and honest with him. You could ask him to let you know what he wants and with this in mind, you can then adjust your behaviour accordingly. You’ve got the right to seek the kind of relationship that you want, so negotiate for what you want as well. Take a look at our article on how to communicate about sex – you might find this helpful.
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Is bleeding during sex normal?

Q I have been sexually active for a few years now and have experienced a few times in the past few months a bloody discharge during and after intercourse. I find this usually during the ovulation phase. I have been on Triphasil since 2002 and I get a discharge when I’m on the white pills, which my doctor explained is when ovulation would have taken place if I wasn't on the Pill. I do not know if this is something I should worry about or not. It usually only lasts for a short while with no discomfort or pain, just a bit of humility as I feel shy when this happens. Should I consult a doctor about this? What causes this discharge?

A Any vaginal bleeding between your periods should be checked by a medical professional, even if it is only slight and you experience no other symptoms. Sometimes non-menstrual bleeding occurs shortly after a woman goes on the Pill, but this should settle in a short while.
There are a number of possible causes of the type of bleeding you’re experiencing, including an abnormality of the neck of the womb, erosion of the cervix, a cervical polyp, cervical cancer, inflammation of the lining of the womb or vagina, an infection in the womb lining or vagina, or pregnancy.
Your doctor is likely to do an internal examination plus a cervical smear, or take swabs to test for possible infections. The sooner you seek medical advice, the better. 
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Should I use his ex’s sex toy?

Q I’m 48 years old and in a relationship with someone I previously was with for three years. We were apart for 6 or 7 months. We both had sexual partners in between. He and his partner lived together for six months and enjoyed hard porn and used sex toys. This hurt me as he claimed before that he was convinced he should not have porn films in his home. Now he tells me that he hid them from me. I do not have any desire to watch porn movies and feel that they defile the human body – part of my values.  Do I disregard this for his benefit?
I do not feel comfortable with using vibrators – and I know he has one which he used on his previous partner and now wants to use on me. I am worried about infections from unclean sex toys – how can one ensure that one is protected against infections?
I really do not know how to overcome this problem and it causes me to feel insecure.  My genitalia are not perfect and although I read your article on this, it bothers me that I am being compared to others (I feel he must as he watches porn films and probably compares me to his ex-girlfriend). This is affecting me negatively and causes me great insecurity.

A If you’re not comfortable with porn and your partner is, you both need to discuss this matter openly and honestly to try to reach an amicable agreement, as you shouldn’t feel pressured into going against your values. You may need to seek the assistance of a professional counsellor to help.
Expecting you to use the same toy his former lover enjoyed is insensitive and unhygienic. There are some places you shouldn’t be expected to go and in our book, his ex’s toy is one. However, vibrators are wonderful for helping women reach orgasm and if you battle in this area, you may want to consider buying your own. To keep it hygienically clean, wash the toy before and after each use, then use an anti-bacterial spray and allow to air-dry before storing it carefully.
You should feel empowered in your relationship to negotiate sex and intimacy, and if you don’t, I strongly suggest you should seek professional counselling to help you through any insecurities you have or issues from your past. If you need help finding a counsellor, see Where to get help for more information.
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Hoe om my man seksueel te bederf?

Q Ek en my man is 10 jaar getroud. Ek wil hom iets gee om die res van sy lewe aan terug te dink en dat hy net meer en meer wil hê. Ek sal daarvan hou as ons die hele nag kan seks hê. Ek sal ook nie omgee as ons ‘n honderd keer kan kom nie – hoe meer, hoe lekkerder. Is daar iets wat ek kan doen om dit vir hom lekkerder as lekker te maak?

A Congratulations on taking such a positive approach to your sex life and for wanting to spoil your husband of 10 years. There are loads of techniques and ideas you can try and we suggest that you invest in a good book, which you can pick up from any book store, such as Exclusive Books. We love the books by Tracey Cox as they are fun, informative and classy. Some examples are Sex Inspectors Masterclass and Superhotsex. Other fantastic books are Kama Sutra for Him and Her, Sex Play, The Ann Summers Wild Guide to Sex and Loving, and The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex. The great thing about these books is that you never stop learning new things to try, and they explain them in a straightforward, fun way that is also highly educational.
No doubt your husband will love your willingness to be adventurous! ______________________________________________________________

Is my boyfriend lying about his HIV status?

Q I am not sure if my boyfriend is HIV positive. Two weeks ago I was going through his personal photos and passports and I came across a clinic card with his name and details about him. The card said “ARV meds and doctor visit” but nothing of the diagnosis was written in the card - whether he was suffering from an Aids-related disease or anything like that. It goes back to 2004. When I asked him about it he said it was the first time he read his card and that he is not HIV positive. He said he is diabetic, about which there was nothing on the card. I was so worried about it. Then today he said both of us must go for HIV testing. What must I believe?

A It’s difficult to say what his status is without seeing the documentary evidence, but you are right to be concerned. If you have had any kind of unprotected sex – oral, anal or vaginal – since your last HIV test, it is best to go for another test straight away. When it comes to sex, always use protective barriers to reduce your level of exposure to STDs, including HIV, as many people do not feel able to tell their partner they have or have had an STD. You need to put your safety first. However, condoms and dental dams cannot provide complete protection against STDs. The best protection is abstinence.

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Can I contract HIV through oral sex?

Q If my partner is HIV positive, can I become infected through oral sex if I am HIV negative?

My husband won't pleasure me sexually - what can I do?

Q I have a question about oral sex. I am a woman who is hot blooded. My man is very old fashioned and only believes in basic sex. His penis in my vagina...in out, in out – that is it. He does not like to touch me...not even my breasts. He refuses to use his fingers to massage/give pleasure to my vulva and clitoris...and he said he tried oral sex once before and did not like it.  
I will lose interest in sex...and will go look for it elsewhere, even though my morals are intact. We are expecting at the moment and I dearly love him, but he does not want to spoil or please me in any way. Please help!

A So many women appear to be dissatisfied with their sex lives and in particular, with their lack of orgasms relative to their man’s. Research shows that a woman has one orgasm for every three orgasms her partner has – which is strange if you consider that women are able to have multiple orgasms and repeat orgasms in one session. It suggests that couples are focusing on his orgasm and not hers.
Many men don't understand that sexual intercourse alone usually isn’t sufficient for women’s satisfaction in sex. However, looking outside of your marriage for satisfaction would be a dishonest way to deal with your issue and could ultimately destroy your marriage. Instead, we would suggest an approach with four levels:
The first is to sit down with your husband to discuss your feelings and needs in sexual intimacy in a gentle, non-confrontational and constructive way. See our article on how to communicate positively about sex Ask for the sex you want, which will give you some tips, and there are probably a number of self-help books that you can use as well.
Secondly, it sounds like he may have some deep-rooted issues when it comes to intimacy and you may need the intervention of a professional, such as a sex therapist, who can help you both understand what lies beneath this and how to deal with it as a couple to the benefit of both.
Thirdly, perhaps you could explore ways to bring yourself to orgasm and sexual satisfaction with him, without putting the pressure on him to do it for you. For instance, you could teach yourself to masturbate to orgasm, and do this during foreplay with him (he should find it highly stimulating to watch you) or during intercourse. He could learn by watching you and possibly become confident enough later to take over, imitating what he’s seen you do. A lot of women stimulate their clitoris during intercourse or ask their partner to do both simultaneously, depending on the sex position.
An alternative that works well for most women is to invest in a straight vibrator which you can then pop onto your clitoris during intercourse (or a curved G-spot vibrator for afterwards). If it is small enough it shouldn’t interfere with his movements, but of course you can adjust your position to find one that accommodates both him and your vibrator.
There are other ways for you to heighten your arousal to orgasm, and you can experiment to find what works for you. Women often enjoy reading erotica as part of foreplay, or indulging in fantasy (using your imagination or dressing up in fantasy costumes – naughty nurse, innocent schoolgirl, vamp, etc, and roleplaying). It can be fun and empowering to explore your sexuality.
The fourth avenue is solo play. Many people who are in a committed relationship and who enjoy a fulfilling sex life as a couple also enjoy solo time, stimulating themselves to orgasm.
Whatever methods you decide to use to stimulate yourself, you would need to introduce them in a way that is both sensitive and non-threatening for him, and once again this will require you to communicate openly with him. You may find that a therapist will also help you talk though it as a couple. To find one in your area, see Where to get help.

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